Sunday, October 28, 2012

I hate it that I wrestle with the God that I adore

I like order.

This might be why I like to help people move :) I love packing and organizing and watching the project get done. I think I even like the boxes.

I like order in relationships too. I like to feel safe. I like to know where I stand with people. In fact, I'd rather not be in relationship at all then be confused about where you stand with me.

What I fighting. Ugh. Makes my stomach turn just thinking about having an argument with someone. (though I don't mind a good natured debate at all :) I especially hate arguing with people that I love. I'd rather just give in then fight. I want peace.

Life is chaos sometimes, however, and it's not so easy. While in life I'd love to be able to label every experience, every relationship, everything either good or bad, right or wrong, from Jesus or the's just not that simple.

My life has brought me many experiences and relationships that have more questions than answers. I try so desperately to figure them out and label them. I want to be able to say definitively that this relationship or experience was either all bad or all good, that it was either brought to me by the Lord or was a horrible ploy of the enemy. I want to be safe. If I can just label it and box it up, the nagging questions can leave me alone. If I can figure it out, the walls can go up so I don't have to feel conflicting emotions about it.

A few of my past relationships that I thought were brought to me by the Lord have turned out to bring more pain into my life than I ever thought possible. Some of these people hurt me in ways that I would love to say "well, at least I know Jesus didn't do that to me".  But it's just not that easy for me. When I look into the scriptures I see that He led the people of Israel into oppression a number of times! While I would like to figure God out and be able to determine "if it was good and ended was from Him....if it was painful, it was not" - I can't come to those terms.

I hate that. Truly.

Just last night I was struggling with this very idea. I was struggling through a recent, very painful experience. I wanted to write it off as not of God because of how painful it was....but that didn't quite work. But if I DID say that maybe the Lord was involved, well now I had more questions for HIM! If He was involved in my pain, I now had to wrestle through hurt feelings of "Jesus, why didn't you protect me?" or "Jesus, that felt cruel and hurt my heart. Why would you want that for me?" It seemed like every question led to more questions.

Charlie Hall in the song "My Brightness" sings I hate it that I wrestle with the God that I adore". YES! Me too. I hate wrestling with Him. I hate questioning His heart towards me. I hate the questions that life brings up. I want my boxes back! I want to be able to say with no tears and no questions, "I trust you and it's all good."  But life just isn't that simple!

Last night while I shamed myself for my frustration (ok, anger....I was possibly throwing things while praying :) and tried so desperately to just simply trust, I heard Him whisper to me "This is what I love about you. I love that you will keep wrestling with me. I love that you will question me. I love that I can entrust confusing situations to you and you will live with the questions with me"

You see, maybe the trite answers work. They certainly make great boxes. Relationships, however, are often found in the wrestling, in the questions. This is where intimacy is built. If I shoved these experiences under the rug, into the appropriately labeled box, I would be safe from baring my heart before God in the most raw way possible. I would be safe behind those walls and in those boxes, but I wouldn't be living in intimacy and authenticity. 

If we really believe that God's ways are SO far above ours, why do we expect to understand Him? Maybe He doesn't expect us to understand....and yet still desires intimacy in relationship with us. Maybe our lack of understanding and our questions, if wrestled out in relationship with Him, will actually draw us deeper into the heart of God?

For me, I want to allow myself to live among the questions. Live without answers to all of the situations and relationships in my life. Live in the sometimes frustrating intimacy that comes with being in relationship with someone who you don't quite understand completely but you know loves you deeply. I am glad that it IS here that I am safe....I am safe to question and struggle because I am fully loved in the midst of my humanity.

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