Sunday, October 14, 2012

Annoyingly Needy or a Holy Discontent?

I've wondered a few times in this recent season of my life if I'm terribly selfish.

It's been rough, this season... But God has been crazy present. Seriously, the most intimate and palpable times of my entire journey with Jesus has been through this season.

I remember one night in late November 2010, lying in bed bawling. I was weeping into my pillow, practically shaking my bed with my racking sobs. I begged Jesus to hold me. He did. All of a sudden, in the middle of a sob a peace came over me. I immediately stopped crying. I could feel His presence as He wrapped His arms around me and I fell asleep.

Other times I have cried out for His voice, for promises of beauty, for confirmation of what I was hearing in my own spirit. Often, on that very day I would have a friend call or email me and say, "I was praying for you and here's what I heard Jesus say...." And have it completely confirm what He was speaking.

I have gone into my deepest wounds with Jesus in my counseling sessions with my beloved Robin (everyone should have a counselor like her :) He has met me in those memories and spoken healing that is unspeakable.

And you know what? The next day, I'm asking for more. Begging for it. Perhaps even emailing or texting that same friend, "Jesus saying anything new about me today?" And I've wondered... I've wondered if I'm selfish and just not satisfied with what Jesus gives me. The words, truth, healing and presence I've experienced should be enough for a lifetime I tell myself. But this isn't what Jesus tells me. He whispers to my weary spirit "of course you need more manna, it's a new day and this journey has been hard." He tells me this but still I feel at times like a bother to the God of the universe. I wonder if one day He will be annoyed with me. I feel needy... And I hate it. I hate being needy. It's vulnerable. It's painful. It's scary. Surely His goodness and patience will run out? Nope. Not my God. He, above everyone else, knows how painful this journey has been. Never does He tell me to suck it up. He only speaks new words and gives fresh healing and more powerful presence every single time.

Then, this morning at church we sang a song I hadn't heard before... And something clicked inside of me. The song was "Shekinah Glory - We wait for you". Here are some of the lyrics:

"You move, and we want more
You speak, and we want more
You move, and we want more
We want the fullness

Release the fullness of Your spirit
Shekinah glory come
Shekinah glory come

I can't get enough of Your presence, presence
I can't get enough of Your presence, presence"

Yes! That's me. With every word, I want another. With every movement, I want more. With every chain that falls, I want to see 10 more. With every healing, I want more. With every miracle, I want more.

It dawned on me then.... We were made to be discontent. It's a holy discontent to want more and more and more and more of our Sweet Jesus. To see Him more and experience Him more. This is a good thing in me, not a shameful one.

To hunger and thirst for more of Him is a beautiful, spiritual concept that sometimes makes us uncomfortable.

I want to own it now. Instead of feeling annoyingly needy, I want to revel in this holy discontent. I want to hunger more because I experience more. With every drip that comes from Him, I want to thirst for more.

Have you ever felt annoyingly needy for more of Him?

1 comment:

  1. Are you annoyingly needy or Holy Discontent? The answer is yes. :)

    For me at least. I for sure can't speak for you. But my neediness for Christ is annoying. Annoying to my flesh, my pride, my self-sufficiency. But is it also holy discontentment. I pray that's what it is, more and more each and every day.

    Thanks for sharing, friend.