#sorrynotsorry // a post about being me

I love this quote. It makes my heart soar. I am a girl who LOVES freedom. I want to run hard after freedom for myself, I want to fight for freedom for others, I want to create free spaces and celebrate freedom every chance I get. I love freedom from oppression of all kinds – freedom from slavery, freedom from dysfunction, freedom from chains of injustice that have held people back. Big huge freedom like rescuing slaves from brick factories and little girls from brothels makes my heart soar. Know what else makes my heart soar? Men and women leaving abuse. People confronting the chains / wounds of their past and walking towards healing. Chains are not just physical and they aren’t always crazy obvious. Chains are things that hold you back from LIVING, from SOARING from BEING who you were created to be. And I want freedom from alllllllll chains. In fact, when I think about freedom and talk about freedom, I’m pretty sure I look like this to some people….

Some people LOVE this about me. It encourages and challenges them to be free. In many, many cases, it means I get to watch and to walk closely with people seeking freedom. I get front row seats for what God is going to do and how He will heal. It’s freaking amazing. It’s breath-takingly beautiful.

However….one step comes before the healing and beauty and freedom: The moment when someone recognizes their chains. This just plain sucks. It’s painful. Excruciatingly painful. Many people have lived fairly well and thought life was going on just fine as they’ve avoided their chains and all the painful wounds and pretended like life was just plain peachy.

Then I come along. Oops. Unfortunately (fortunately?) being FREE and talking about freedom a whole lot can sort of crash into other people’s boxes and chains. It seems that freedom shines a light on chains. It’s the “rebellion” part of the quote above. It reveals other people’s chains and dysfunction and wounds that might still need healing. The more I talk about wanting people to live and soar, the more they seem to examine their lives and find chains that hold them back from doing just that…and it hurts. It is a deeply painful process.

I have had friends say they never knew they had chains before they hung out with me. They didn’t realize their trauma before becoming close to me. They tease that people need to watch out before getting close to me because it means healing and freedom may be on the horizon…and lots of pain before that. They didn’t realize there was any other option other than stuffing their pain, living with the mediocrity of life or invalidating their own wounds. Now they do…and choices stand before them. Hard choices about what it might mean to walk to freedom and painful choices about diving into their own trauma for healing.

I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry that who I am causes you to see your own chains. I know it’s painful. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that who I am makes your boxes not make sense any more. I know how confusing and frustrating that process is. I’m sorry that my healing and me talking about healing made you realize you still have wounds to be addressed. I know that realization sucks. I’m sorry that my calling you to soar and live made you realize you weren’t doing that yet. I know how painful those moments are because I lived them 4 years ago. I’m so sorry.

I mean, I’m not sorry because identifying the wounds/chains is the first step towards freedom and healing so I’m actually quite excited for you! But on the other hand, I’m also sorry because I know the pain and because I really hate being part of the pain.

So Sorry/Not Sorry for being who I am and calling forth what I tend to want to call forth in others. I apologize for the pain you may face in this process, but I celebrate what God is going to do if you face it head on, fight through the pain and find the beauty, freedom and healing waiting on the other side. You’re worth it. I promise.